The council letters are d funniest?n half of em are true.i konw so cos ma ex's best mate wrote them all! I feel sorry 4 d poor bastard at camden council who had to read them all!
The Joke Thread..........
07-06-07, 10:17 AM
#77
Whats the best way to cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?
Phone them up and tell them you can't come!!!!
Phone them up and tell them you can't come!!!!
"IF THE SHOE FITS - BUY IT IN EVERY COLOUR!!!!!"
07-06-07, 10:18 AM
#78
A man goes into the chemist and asks the assistant for a deodorant,
"Ball type", she asks,
"No - its for my underarms!!!!"
"Ball type", she asks,
"No - its for my underarms!!!!"
"IF THE SHOE FITS - BUY IT IN EVERY COLOUR!!!!!"
07-06-07, 10:19 AM
#79
What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run - coz she's still got the grenade in her mouth!!!
Run - coz she's still got the grenade in her mouth!!!
"IF THE SHOE FITS - BUY IT IN EVERY COLOUR!!!!!"
07-06-07, 10:30 AM
#80
I was on my way to work the other day and as the law of the sod goes, I was caught speeding.
This copper gets out of his car, and strolls over to me,
"You were going a bit fast there love, I'm going to have to give you a ticket for it."
As you can imagine, I wasn't very happy, but though Fair Play, lets be nice to the cocky copper here.
"Yes officer" I replied.
He looks at my car and starts trying to have a conversation with me as he's writing out the bloody ticket,
"So, why were you going so fast then?"
"I'm late for work."
He smiled, then asked me,
"So, you must have a very important job then if you were speeding that much. What do you do?"
I replied,
"I work at the Hospital, and yes, my job is quite important."
He says,
"So, what is it then?"
I tell him,
"I'm a rectum stretcher"
He looks at me puzzled,
"A what?????"
I said,
"I'm a rectum stretcher, its a very important job, officer."
He says,
"So, what do you do for that then?"
I replied,
"Well, to start with I insert one finger and wriggle it around, then I insert two fingers and wriggle them around, until it is big enough to insert three fingers. After a lot of wriggling around it's not long before I can fit my whole hand in, then my arm, then I continue wriggling it around until the rectum is about 6 foot big, officer."
He starts laughing and then says,
"What do you do with an arsehole that big then?"
I replied,
"Stick him in a police car, put him under a bridge, and give him a fucking radar gun!!!!!"
This copper gets out of his car, and strolls over to me,
"You were going a bit fast there love, I'm going to have to give you a ticket for it."
As you can imagine, I wasn't very happy, but though Fair Play, lets be nice to the cocky copper here.
"Yes officer" I replied.
He looks at my car and starts trying to have a conversation with me as he's writing out the bloody ticket,
"So, why were you going so fast then?"
"I'm late for work."
He smiled, then asked me,
"So, you must have a very important job then if you were speeding that much. What do you do?"
I replied,
"I work at the Hospital, and yes, my job is quite important."
He says,
"So, what is it then?"
I tell him,
"I'm a rectum stretcher"
He looks at me puzzled,
"A what?????"
I said,
"I'm a rectum stretcher, its a very important job, officer."
He says,
"So, what do you do for that then?"
I replied,
"Well, to start with I insert one finger and wriggle it around, then I insert two fingers and wriggle them around, until it is big enough to insert three fingers. After a lot of wriggling around it's not long before I can fit my whole hand in, then my arm, then I continue wriggling it around until the rectum is about 6 foot big, officer."
He starts laughing and then says,
"What do you do with an arsehole that big then?"
I replied,
"Stick him in a police car, put him under a bridge, and give him a fucking radar gun!!!!!"
"IF THE SHOE FITS - BUY IT IN EVERY COLOUR!!!!!"
07-06-07, 10:36 AM
#81
What does an essex girl put behind her ears to make her look more attractive?
Her ankles!!!!!!!!!!
Her ankles!!!!!!!!!!
"IF THE SHOE FITS - BUY IT IN EVERY COLOUR!!!!!"
07-06-07, 12:16 PM
#82
Teenage grandson goes up to his granma and asks,
"Granny have you seen my pills, they've got LSD written on them?"
Grandma replies,
"Fuck the pills sonny, have you seen the huge green dragons having a disco in the kitchen!!!"
"Granny have you seen my pills, they've got LSD written on them?"
Grandma replies,
"Fuck the pills sonny, have you seen the huge green dragons having a disco in the kitchen!!!"
"IF THE SHOE FITS - BUY IT IN EVERY COLOUR!!!!!"
Da Camden Ayatollah Show this Post
08-06-07, 10:50 AM
#83
Noooooooooo!!!!!!not more grannies. at least this one don't involve lifting up her skirt. Camnic, u shuld b in the comedy store in london.
09-06-07, 02:38 PM
#84
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.
They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.
The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes.
He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.
He walked out with £96,000.
The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em", which he did.
The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.
"Dear Lord !" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The old Chief calmly replied, " Vietnam "
They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.
The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes.
He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.
He walked out with £96,000.
The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em", which he did.
The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.
"Dear Lord !" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The old Chief calmly replied, " Vietnam "
09-06-07, 11:33 PM
#85
Some great stuff in there Nic, loving the Granny stuff 
P, I'm liking the last one as well.
P, I'm liking the last one as well.
09-06-07, 11:34 PM
#86
I posted this before:
Aussie lad driving over Sydney Bridge, sees his girlfriend ready to jump off, he pulls over and says "Christ Shelia, wot ya doin'?"
She says "You got me pregnant and now I'm gonna kill myself" he says "Christ , not only are you a good f*ck, your a good sport too!"
Aussie lad driving over Sydney Bridge, sees his girlfriend ready to jump off, he pulls over and says "Christ Shelia, wot ya doin'?"
She says "You got me pregnant and now I'm gonna kill myself" he says "Christ , not only are you a good f*ck, your a good sport too!"
12-06-07, 10:01 AM
#87
After a very long night of making love to his new girlfriend, Frank notices that there is a photograph of a man on her bedside table.
At first, he doesn't give it much thought, but after a month or so into the relationship he begins to stress about it.
Eventually, it causes him that much grief that he decides to ask her about it.
"Is that a photo of your ex husband, honey?"
"No, silly" she replies.
"Another boyfriend?" he continues.
"No, not at all", she giggles as she starts to nibble on his earlobe.
"Is it your Dad, or your Brother, perhaps?" Asks Frank desperatley.
"No,no,no" she says,
By now Frank is getting very worried, and shouts,
"Well, who the bloody hell is it then????"
She replies,
"That was me six months ago!!!!"
At first, he doesn't give it much thought, but after a month or so into the relationship he begins to stress about it.
Eventually, it causes him that much grief that he decides to ask her about it.
"Is that a photo of your ex husband, honey?"
"No, silly" she replies.
"Another boyfriend?" he continues.
"No, not at all", she giggles as she starts to nibble on his earlobe.
"Is it your Dad, or your Brother, perhaps?" Asks Frank desperatley.
"No,no,no" she says,
By now Frank is getting very worried, and shouts,
"Well, who the bloody hell is it then????"
She replies,
"That was me six months ago!!!!"
"IF THE SHOE FITS - BUY IT IN EVERY COLOUR!!!!!"
12-06-07, 10:53 AM
#88
12-06-07, 04:25 PM
#90
After you had been sick over him/her/it!
Dance wit the speaker 'till you hear it blow - Mr Rakim
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