[camnic1972]

Whats the difference between a fridge and an essex girl?














The fridge doesn't fart when you take your meat out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Sooper]

Cant believe that you are female!
Potty mouth!

[mr.pure]

Shocking !
I love it.



Might have to rename you Dirty Girty.

[Sooper]

Certainly making me smile !

[camnic1972]

The following are extracts from complaint letters recieved by the council from tenants:

1 - I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was the wind the other night that blew them off.

2 - My lavatory seat is cracked. Where do I stand.

3 - I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

4 - Will you please send someone round to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she's pregnant.

5 - I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

6 - 50 per cent of the walls are damp, 50 per cent have crumbling plaster and 50 per cent are plain filthy

7 - I am still having problems with the smoke in my drawers

8 - The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared

9 - Will you please send a man to look at my water, its still a funny colour and not fit to drink.

10 - Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

11 - Its the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

12 - Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so can you please send a man round

13 - I am a single woman living downstairs. Would you do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

14 - I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

15 - This is to let you know that our toilet seat is broken and we cant get BBC2.

16 - The man next door has an unsightly erection in his front garden.

17 - He has got this huge tool that makes the whole house vibrate and I can't take it any more.

18 - I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

19 - I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

20 - And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against the fence.

21 - I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6 am his cock wakes me up and I can't take any more of it.

22 - Please send the man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

23 - My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing on it.

[Sooper]

Thats a classic but still made me laugh - Especially number 11!!

[camnic1972]

A woman takes her lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home from school unexpectedly, sees them at it and hides in the wardrobe to watch. The womans husband also comes home early, so she grabs her lover and shoves him in the wardrobe, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says,
"Dark in here"
The lover replies,
"Yes, it is."
The boy says,
"I have a baseball bat."
The man says,
"That's nice."
Boy says,
"Do you want to buy it?"
Man says,
"No thanks."
Then the boy says,
"My Dad is outside."
The man pauses and says,
"Okay, how much?"
The boy says,
"£250"

A couple of weeks later it happens again thaqt the boy and his mums lover are in the wardrobe again.

The boy says,
"Dark in here."
The man says,
"Yes it is."
Boy says,
"I've got a baseball glove"
The lover, remembering last time, says,
"How much?"
The boy replies,
"£750"
The man says,
"Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy,
"Go and grab your baseball bat and glove and we will go to the park"
The boy replies,
"I can't Dad, I sold them"
The dad replies,
"How much did you get for them son?"
The boy says,
"£1000"
The father says,
"That's ing to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than those two items cost. I'm going to take you to the church and make you confess to the priest."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession box and then closes the door on him. As he sits down the little boy says,
"Dark in here"
To which the priest replies,
"Don't start that shit with me sonny, this time you are in MY closet!!!!"

[camnic1972]

A guy was up in court for double murder and the judge said,
"You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner"
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out,
"You bastard!!!"
The judge continued,
"You are also charged with beating your wifes lover to death with a spanner"
Again the voice at the back of the courtroom shouts out,
"You fucking Bastard!!!!!"
The judge stopped, looked at the man shouting and said,
"Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at the crime, but I cannot have any more of your outbursts in this court or I will hold you with comtempt of court. Now what is the problem?"
The guy at the back of the court stands up and replies,
"For fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked him for the loan of a spanner he told me that he didn't fucking own one!!!!!"

[camnic1972]

An escaped convict breaks into a bedroom, ties up the husband and wife on the bed, Then he jumps on top of the wife, kisses her ear and goes into the bathroom.
The husband tells the wife,
"Satisfy him or he will kill us both, I saw the way he kissed you, be strong, I love you"
The wife replies,
"He didn't kiss me, he whispered in my ear that he is gay and looking for the vaseline! I told him it was in the bathroom......Be strong, I love you!"

[camnic1972]

A man went to his doctors to get a sperm count done. The doctor gave him a jar and said,
"Take this home and bring it back with a sample in it tomorrow."
The next day the guy turns up at the doctors and gives him the jar, which is clean and empty.
The doctor asks the man what happened and the man explains,
"Well, doc, its like this. First I tried with my right hand, then my left hand, but nothing, so I asked my wife for her help. She used her left hand then her right hand, she even put it between her thighs, then tried her mouth, first with her teeth in then with her teeth out, and still nothing. So we decided we would ask the lady that lives next door."
The doctor looks at the man horrified and replies,
"What? You asked your neighbour? What did your wife say?"
"Well, the neighbour tried with both of her hands, then her mouth, she even tried putting it between her breasts and I had a go, but it didn't matter what we all did together - we still couldn't get the bloody lid off!!!!"

[camnic1972]

How can you tell if your wife is dead?






Sex is still the same but the dishes are starting to stack up in the sink!!!

[camnic1972]

Cant believe that you are female!
Potty mouth!

I know!
When God was handing out brains I thought he said drains so I asked for a dirty one!!!!

[Sooper]

Well you are keeping us all very entertained! Keep up the good work!

[camnic1972]

Its the day after Christmas and young Johnny rides his new bike up to a stop light where a policeman on a horse is waiting for the light to change.
The policeman looks over at Johnny and says,
"Get that bike for christmas, sonny?"
The youngster replies proudley,
"Yep. Santa brought it for me"
The policeman then proceeds to write the young fella a bicycle violation ticket for not having a reflector on the back of his bike and hands it to him saying,
"Well, next time ask Santa to bring you a light for it"
Johnny looks at the ticket, looks back up to the policeman and says,
"Did Santa bring you that horse officer?"
Humouring the little boy, the policeman answers,
"Why, yes he did"
To which Johnny replies,
"Well next time get him to put the dick underneath and not on the top!"

[camnic1972]

A few days ago a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and then her son say,
"All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your arses on the train now, because we are leaving!"

The mother went into the living room and told her son,
"We don't use that kind of language in this house son, go up to your room for two hours and think about how naughty you've been. When the two hours are up you can come back down and carry on playing with your trains as long as you don't use any of that foul language again"

Two hours later, the mother is still in the kitchen and the little boy is happily playing with his trains again. The train stopped and the mother heard,
"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope that your trip was a pleasant one. For all of those who are still boarding, we hope that you enjoy your trip. And for all of those who are pissed off about the two hour delay, go and see the fucking bitch in the kitchen!!!"