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A bloke sees an advert in a pet shop window, TALKING CENTIPEDE FOR SALE, ONLY £1000. He thinks I’ll have some of that and buys the little fella and takes him home in its box. When he arrives home he opens up the box and asks if the centipede would like to go for a pint, but there’s no answer. So he asks again, still no answer. Getting really angry because he's beginning to think he’s been conned he shouts at the top of his voice, ‘DO YOU WANT TO GO FOR A PINT?????’, at which the centipede sticks his head over the side of the box and say’s, ‘I heard you the first time, I was putting my fuckin’ shoes on!’
“You must face the power of the black wave of Lardossa before you become a Drexciyan wave jumperâ€
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^^
...
One for the pub tonight I think....
" shocking cock-up, the mice were furious "
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A young blonde woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself from a dockside Bridge. She went down to the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the bridge, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Australia in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Australia would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who's stowed me away" she explained "I get food and free passage to Australia, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Mersey Ferry. "
“You must face the power of the black wave of Lardossa before you become a Drexciyan wave jumperâ€
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A little boy runs into his mum, "mummy, mummy, the bull is shagging a cow"
"Now, now Tommy, we don't use words like that in this house, please say the bull is surprising the cow "
Not long after he runs in again "mummy, mummy, the bull is surprising all the cows"
His mum says "Don't be silly, how can he surprise all the cows at once ?"
Tommy, "Because he is shagging the horse".
“You must face the power of the black wave of Lardossa before you become a Drexciyan wave jumperâ€
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^^
Very good! I bet i cant remember that tonight when i want to!
Dance wit the speaker 'till you hear it blow - Mr Rakim
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It goes in dry,
And comes out wet,
The longer it's in,
The stronger it gets.
When it comes out,
It drips and it sags,
What is it?
A Teabag!!!!
"IF THE SHOE FITS - BUY IT IN EVERY COLOUR!!!!!"
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Whats the difference between an "Oooooh" and an "Aaaaaah"?
About 2 inches
"IF THE SHOE FITS - BUY IT IN EVERY COLOUR!!!!!"
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How do you spot a randy man at the nudist camp?
He is the one with a coffee in each hand and can still carry a dozen doughnuts!!!!!
"IF THE SHOE FITS - BUY IT IN EVERY COLOUR!!!!!"
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A man is on holiday and one day manages to fall asleep on the beach and suffers horrific sunburn to both of his legs.
When he goes to the hospital the doctor attends to his legs by plastering them with ointment and then gives the man a viagra pill to take,
"Why a viagra Doc?" the man asks puzzled,
"Thats to keep the sheets of your legs"
"IF THE SHOE FITS - BUY IT IN EVERY COLOUR!!!!!"
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What do you call a blind dinosaur?
Doyouthinkhesaurus!!!
"IF THE SHOE FITS - BUY IT IN EVERY COLOUR!!!!!"
