The Joke Thread.......... - Printable Version
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+--- Thread: The Joke Thread.......... (/thread-2562.html)
RE: The Joke Thread.......... - woody - 14-06-07
That Vietnam one is well good
RE: The Joke Thread.......... - deftoned - 19-06-07
What kind of Bees make milk instead of honey??
Boobies
RE: The Joke Thread.......... - camnic1972 - 19-06-07
A very famous American billionaire was taking a holiday in Ireland when he comes across an Irish artist who is very talented. The american is so impressed with Paddy's art that he commissions the irishman to do a painting for him.
"Paddy, I sure have loads of priceless pieces of art at home in America, but there is only one painting that I would really love, and that's a depiction of General Custer's Last Stand. do you think for a million dollars you could do that for me?"
Paddy couldn't believe his luck and it was agreed that he would do the work, but then paddy came up with the idea that to illustrate this famous scene he would do three paintings and not just the one.
A few weeks later, the three magnificent paintings are being flown to over to America for their unveiling, the rich American has put on a special party and invited all of the rich and famous from America.
In one marquee are the three works of art, being hidden by a tarpulin.
The rich American is getting really excited about the unveiling and as he gathers his guests around him he says to paddy,
"Right, Paddy I think it's time that everyone has a look at this magnificent artwork that I have commissioned. Please, Paddy, unveil the paintings!"
Paddy pulls at the cloth and as the paintings come into view there is a loud gasp of
around the crowd. The American is looking rather embarrassed as he looks on and sees the first painting is of the Pope sitting on the toilet, the second is of an american indian couple making love and the third is a collage of vaginas."Paddy!!!!", he shouts, "I asked you to do me a piece of art depicting General Custer's Last Stand, what is this, I demand to know?"
To which Paddy answers,
"I've done better than that sir, I've depicted General Custers last words at the Last Stand"
The American says,
"What????? Please explain!!!!"
So, Paddy says,
"Holy shit! Fucking Indians, Hundreds of the cunts!!!!"
RE: The Joke Thread.......... - camnic1972 - 19-06-07
Michael Barrymore was asked in an interview the other day if he was doing a Pantomime this year, to which he replied,
"No way! I did Aladdin about six years ago and haven't heard the last of it!!!"
RE: The Joke Thread.......... - camnic1972 - 19-06-07
My mate went swimming the other day with his new trunks on with "speedo" written on the back, he couldn't understand why he got thrown out of the swimming baths until he got home and realised that the "s" on the speedo had come off in the water!!!
RE: The Joke Thread.......... - camnic1972 - 19-06-07
NEWSFLASH!!!!!!!!!!!!
A woman has been found dead at the bottom of the Thames in a suitcase................................
Who says men don't know how to pack!!!
RE: The Joke Thread.......... - camnic1972 - 19-06-07
Man says to wife,
"Your arse is the size of a 3 burner gas barbecue!"
Later in bed he turns to his wife and says,
"Fancy a shag?"
To which she replies,
"What's the point in lighting the barbeque for half a sausage!"
RE: The Joke Thread.......... - camnic1972 - 19-06-07
A vampire bat arrives back at the cave with blood all over his face. All the other bats get really excited and ask where he got it from.
"Follow me," he says.
So they follow him through the cave and over the hills and around the mountains until they all get to a forest,
"Do you all see that huge great big tree in the middle of the forest?" he asks.
To which they all excitedly say,"Oh Yes!"
"Well, I fucking didn't"
RE: The Joke Thread.......... - streak - 19-06-07
...Manchester is gonna be a riot
RE: The Joke Thread.......... - Suburban Knight - 22-06-07
Farmer Giles gets a phone call from his farm hand, ‘Shit boss, I’ve just run over a pig and it’s stuck under the tractor, still alive!’
‘Shoot it’, says farmer Giles, ‘and then bury it’.
A few minutes later the farm hand calls back. ‘Done that boss, what should I do with his fuckin’ speed camera?’
RE: The Joke Thread.......... - Suburban Knight - 22-06-07
A bloke sees an advert in a pet shop window, TALKING CENTIPEDE FOR SALE, ONLY £1000. He thinks I’ll have some of that and buys the little fella and takes him home in its box. When he arrives home he opens up the box and asks if the centipede would like to go for a pint, but there’s no answer. So he asks again, still no answer. Getting really angry because he's beginning to think he’s been conned he shouts at the top of his voice, ‘DO YOU WANT TO GO FOR A PINT?????’, at which the centipede sticks his head over the side of the box and say’s, ‘I heard you the first time, I was putting my fuckin’ shoes on!’
RE: The Joke Thread.......... - streak - 22-06-07
^^
...One for the pub tonight I think....
RE: The Joke Thread.......... - Suburban Knight - 22-06-07
A young blonde woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself from a dockside Bridge. She went down to the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the bridge, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Australia in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Australia would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who's stowed me away" she explained "I get food and free passage to Australia, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Mersey Ferry. "
RE: The Joke Thread.......... - Suburban Knight - 22-06-07
A little boy runs into his mum, "mummy, mummy, the bull is shagging a cow"
"Now, now Tommy, we don't use words like that in this house, please say the bull is surprising the cow "
Not long after he runs in again "mummy, mummy, the bull is surprising all the cows"
His mum says "Don't be silly, how can he surprise all the cows at once ?"
Tommy, "Because he is shagging the horse".
RE: The Joke Thread.......... - Sooper - 22-06-07
^^
Very good! I bet i cant remember that tonight when i want to!